Listen Here!

Do you ever have conversations with people that just kind of stink? Maybe they didn’t seem interested in what you had to say. Maybe it felt like they were trying to impress you without trying to understand you. Maybe they couldn’t stop talking about themselves, or they keep interrupting your thoughts. Maybe YOU are that person?

For effective communicating, effective listening is ESSENTIAL. When it comes to marriage, it is imperative to communicate so clearly, not just to be understood, but also so there can’t be any misunderstanding.

I’m first going to address the types of bad listeners as outlined in chapter nine of Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Robert H. and Jeanette C. Lauer.

The Faker: the faker pretends to listen, and they seem like they are listening, but they are not. Their only goal is to seem like they’re listening. These kinds of “listeners” aren’t interested in what other people have to say, or how they feel. They seem like they’re listening because they are nodding their heads or smiling, but they’re completely in their own heads, and wouldn’t be able to repeat back what you said to them.

The Dependent Listener: the whole time you’re trying to communicate with them, their main concern is pleasing and making a good impression on you. They can’t respond that well and only try to agree with you because they want to stay in your good graces. An example of that might be an employee that is only trying to please their boss, so they don’t think for themselves and agree excessively with their boss, so they can stay in their boss’ good graces.

The Interrupter: the interrupter might be my least favorite, but I know I interrupt a lot, so I’m a hypocrite. Anyway, the interrupter always interrupts because they may feel like they might lose their train of thought. They may care more about their own thoughts and feelings, which is pretty selfish of someone who is supposed to be listening. Here’s an example of an interrupter from the book:

Wife: I had a really rough day today. I thought my boss was going to…

Husband: I bet your day wasn’t any worse than mine. I couldn’t believe the way my clerks were fouling up today. I think I’m going to have to bring them in one by one for some additional training.

Wife: Yeah, those people can drive you up a wall at times. Well, my boss just about went through the ceiling…

Husband: You’ve got to stop letting him get to you. Just tell him you’ll quit if he keeps on.

Wife: I can understand why he got upset. I didn’t have the report ready. But he doesn’t realize that…

Husband: He gets upset at anything. I don’t know how you stand working for him.

The wife in the example is trying to express herself, but her husband keeps interrupting her train of thought by trying to fix her problems and expressing his frustrations. Not cool, husband, not cool. (I’d also like to not that the people could be reversed as well. Its not just a male thing to interrupt; it’s an everybody thing).

The Self-Conscious listener: they only listen to impress the other person. They aren’t listening to understand and comfort. They want to seem intelligent or helpful and will just be focused on responding with something that’s intelligent.

The Intellectual listener: they tend to only listen to words and their specific meanings, and not paying attention to non-verbal cues. This can lead to challenging others’ opinions, not trying to understand and consider the other person.

These bad listening practices lead to a feeling of bad communication between people, and they really are.

Here are some tips to be a good communicator:

1. Take initiative in listening. Its not a passive thing that can happen without thought. Concentrate on understanding the person, not just hearing their words.

2. Resist distractions. If someone is talking to you, GET OFF YOUR PHONE. I hate it when I’m trying to tell a story, or more personally, when I’m expressing my feelings and thoughts, and the person I’m talking to is on their phone. So tacky. If you’re in an environment that is hard to listen to a person, try to take the conversation elsewhere.

3. Control emotions and responses. Don’t let how you feel in the moment dictate how you listen. Save those thoughts for when it’s appropriate to share.

4. Ask questions and restate what the person is saying. It’ll help you pay attention and understand them.

5. Summarize what your friend is saying (in your head), so you don’t think too much and get distracted.

6. PRACTICE!! It takes time to learn how to listen well, but take the time to learn to do it.

Thanks for reading! Please feel free to comment on how you try to be a good listener, or how others have been a good listener to you!