Things I've Learned This Semester

1. I am prideful, and I’m not proud of it. Haha! But really, I have a hard time saying sorry when I’ve hurt or offended anyone because I’m embarrassed for hurting people, or because I think I’m right. I think I disguise my pride with independence sometimes, I like to do things for myself, by myself, and I don’t like people trying to help me.

2. The right friends make a difference. I have always been someone who treasures friendships, to the point of wishing I could be with some old friends again, or hardcore missing the times I’ve had with specific people. This semester I have had really amazing friends. They’ve been so great that I haven’t been missing people like I used to. Of course, I get the occasional case of nostalgia, but It hasn’t been as bad recently.

3. Going to bed at 10 or 11 is amazing.

4. I wake up better when I have something to look forward to that day, or the next. It motivates me to get out of bed and get stuff done. I need to find more things to do that actually make me excited to wake up.

5. I could never marry a woman. I like guys way too much. Actually, I just tend to understand and work with guys better. They are much more straightforward and logical, which makes it really easy to get things done, have conversations with, and so on. Women confuse me sometimes, haha! (I do have to say, I like my girl-friends. They can relate to me more on a biological level.)

6. Doing dishes isn’t as hard or annoying as my brain always tells me it is. It can be pretty relaxing, or at least makes you not bored. I like listening to CarTalk as I wash my plates and pots and pans. (if you know what CarTalk is, please tell me in the comments!)

7. Families are so important. As I talked about in my first blog post, raising and being a healthy family is the best thing you can do to make society better. Also, I haven’t liked school this much until this semester, when I’ve finally found something I like to learn about.

8. I should have stayed on campus more. I’m the student that walks to class as fast as I can, and then walks home as soon as I can when class is over. One day my roommate and I had lunch on campus and we both realized how nice it is to see other humans interacting with each other and how motivating and refreshing it is. I think next semester I’m going to try to stay on campus more. I’ll get more work done and have some people-watching time.

9. “You won’t have acne when you’re an adult” is a bold-faced LIE.

10. My Grandma Alice is so nice to talk to. I called her for the first time this semester this week, and I regret that. I should have called her more often. I love the sound of her voice, her sense of humor, and her stories. She also thinks I’m funny which makes me feel good!

11. Blogging is actually super fun! And more people read these than “like” my Facebook posts about them, which gives me false pretenses on who actually reads theses. It makes me happy to know people actually care about what and think, but It kinda freaks me out when someone mentions that they read my blog haha!

12. Back to friends. I have some pretty amazing ones that I don’t talk to all them time, but when I really need them, they are there for me. In a world of so much uncertainty and people changing, it’s really nice to know I have a few friends that will always be there to support me. I wish I could name them, but I don’t want to hurt the people I leave out.

This spring semester has been wonderful. I have learned so much from teachers, friends, and by observation. I think I would like to continue to blog in the future! Please let me know in the comments if you’d like to read more from me & what you would like me to talk about.

Thanks for sticking with me this semester!

Rexburg, ID 2019

Prayer (putting it all together 4)

In class we discussed prayer and revelation, and that reminded me of some research I did in preparing a spiritual thought on prayer in the past. For that reason, I decided to discuss prayer. For some background, I am not a great pray-er. I have always struggled with saying personal prayers. I haven’t ever been good at praying both day and night, or by myself at meals. I tend to pray when I need something from God, which I know is not the best way to approach it. I am totally comfortable praying out loud and in front of people, but sometimes it is a vain repetition.

One of my favorite things on prayer is the definition from the bible dictionary.

“As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7–11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other.” Even though I am terrible at prayer, I LOVE this excerpt; because it is true. I do forget what my relationship with God is, sometimes. If I truly love my Father in Heaven, I would talk to him like I talk to my earthly father.

I guess I never quite had that Enos experience the one where “…my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.” (Enos 1:4) I heard once that the way we see our earthly parents is very similar to the way we see God. I love my earthly parents, but I don’t rely on them a lot. They do help me out so much, but I hardly really need their help (or so I think). I think that is kind of the way I view my Father in heaven.

I also know that I want to be a good example of prayer in my own future family. President Kimball once said, “The home should be a place where reliance on the Lord is a matter of common experience, not reserved for special occasions. One way of establishing that is by regular, earnest prayer. It is not enough just to pray. It is essential that we really speak to the Lord, having faith that he will reveal to us as parents what we need to know and do for the welfare of our families.” I plan on trying very hard to make sure my children know they can count on God, even if I may not an amazingly strong testimony of prayer right now. I am sure I will have more practice in the future.

I do know God answers prayer. As Alma taught the Zoramites in Alma 33,

“5 Yea, O God, and thou wast merciful unto me when I did cry unto thee in my ^afield; when I did cry unto thee in my prayer, and thou didst hear me.

9 Yea, O God, thou hast been merciful unto me, and heard my cries in the midst of thy congregations.

10 Yea, and thou hast also heard me when I have been ^acast out and have been despised by mine enemies; yea, thou didst hear my cries, and wast angry with mine enemies, and thou didst ^bvisit them in thine anger with speedy destruction."

Father in heaven always hears our prayers. It makes no difference if you pray 30 minutes each day, or you only pray once a week. He will always hear you and answer you.

All They Need is Love?

One of the toughest things in parenting is learning and deciding what a child wants versus what they really need. So many parents give in to their children’s wants more then what they really need, causing their children to be unhappy, and maybe unruly. Here are things children NEED:

CONTACT-- Offer contact freely

Children need the opportunity to be held, touched, cuddled, acknowledged, and to be talked to. Babies and young children benefit greatly by physical contact. In this article  by Scientific America they discuss how impactful touch is for infants. It increases their brain capacity and learning and increases emotional intelligence.

Not only is contact important for infants and young children, but even older children need contact. Have you ever seen or met a child that seemed off-the-walls crazy, active, and maybe kind of jittery? For many children that is a sign of not enough contact from people. How do you cure the hyper-activeness? Acknowledge the child! Say hi, ask them how they’re doing, be super interested in them, pat them on the shoulder, tousle their hair, if appropriate, give them a quick hug; be buddy-buddy with them. I have personally known children who used to seem crazy active, but as soon as adults started talking to them and making them feel loved and valued, they mellowed out a lot.

BELONGING

How do you give a child a sense of belonging? Include them! Teach them how to contribute to the family. If you’re folding laundry, ask them to help you put it away. Show them skills they will need in order to contribute. Give kids chores, teach them the importance of responsibility in the home. If you’re making dinner give them age-appropriate tasks. Children need the chance to feel and act like they belong.

POWER

Now, I’m not saying the children should have all the power and rule the roost. No way. The power they need is power over their own life. They should be able to make some choices and live with the consequences. When children are young they can choose the kind of outfits they want to wear. They can choose whether they listen to their parents and learn how to deal with the consequences of doing so, or not doing so. They need to learn the ability of responding to situations (response-ability).

PROTECTION

Not only do children need parents that can guard their hearts from terrible things, but they need parents that can teach them how to protect themselves. One protection that is essential for being safe are boundaries. Boundaries protect us from unwanted activity that can hurt us physically or emotionally. Children need to be taught boundaries, and the boundaries they instill need to be upheld as well. A simple boundary you or your child may create could be knocking on a closed door and waiting for a response before you/they come in. So simple, yet so important.

WITHDRAWAL

Let’s face it: everyone has times when they just need to be by themselves. As adults we value alone-time, but children need it occasionally as well. Give children time to themselves, they’ll learn how to think introspectively, how to value time alone, how to play by themselves, and the importance of taking a time-out from the world. Don’t let children (or yourself) be distracted constantly, weather it be toys, movies, or my least favorite, personal electronics.

CHALLENGE

Okay, I’ll be honest. I kind of hate challenges. I don’t like the uncomfortable feeling of stretching myself, or learning something new, or failing. After I do have a challenging moment, I end up realizing how important it was for me, so I could grow and appreciate it, but I still don’t like it.

As I think about that, I think about how I want my own children to love challenges, or at least be willing to be challenged. When we as humans are challenged and we succeed, we grow so much. We even grow when we don’t succeed right away. Children need tough moments to prevail through. They need to be taught how to do hard things and keep going when they want to give up. Children feel good about themselves when they accomplish something hard. If a child can learn how to do these tough things, they will be prepared for the real world.

The purpose of parenting:

“To protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they’re going to live in.”

- M. Popkin

Please comment on how these needs have been met for you, or how you plan to meet these needs in your own children (either now, or in the future). Thanks for reading! 

Good Father = Good Man

I found this article on fathers, and I wanted to base this post on it.

You probably already know my opinion on fathers. They are essential. In historical times, people would say that mothers are the most important parent, but many psychologists recently have declared the importance of good fathers for children. Listed below are things fathers bring to the table that mothers just don’t do.

Fathers parent differently than mothers. They believe in rules, justice, fairness, and have their own way of communicating that are different from mothers. Fathers push their children to go above and beyond their perceived abilities. They challenge their children to be a little better and do a little more. Fathers will tell kids “how it is.” They’ll tell their children if they keep playing a certain way, other kids won’t want to play with them, and other realities of life.

My dad definitely parented differently than my mom. He was all about rules, respect, and being obedient. He made sure we were disciplined, accountable people. But he also let us get away with things that mom may have not.

When fathers play with their children, they roughhouse, tickle, chase, and throw their kids in the air (causing a mini-heart attack for mom). This teaches children how to balance aggression and friendliness, that some aggressive behavior is not acceptable, and how to determine when it’s time to roughhouse and when it’s time to be calm.

I remember wrestling around with my dad on the carpet and playing a game I called “Peter Pan” (I’d put my stomach on his feet while he was laying on his back, and he’d straighten his legs, and it felt like I was Peter Pan, flying). I remember him teaching us when enough was enough, and how biting, pinching, and scratching was a no-no. He would tickle me until I couldn't breathe, which I loved and hated.

Another aspect that fatherhood prepares children for is the “world of men.” In the article I previously citied, I really loved how they brought up the importance of fathers for girls. “Girls with involved, married fathers… have a healthy familiarity with the world of men — they don't wonder how a man's facial stubble feels or what it's like to be hugged by strong arms. This knowledge builds emotional security and safety from the exploitation of predatory males.”  

I had never thought about that part of having a father, but it’s true. When children (especially girls) don’t have those "wonder-ing" thoughts about men, they won’t be tempted to try things with guys that might be jerks.

Good fathers won’t be walked on by their kids. They and their kids know that Dad is the dad, to respect him, and listen to him. One thing that bothers me is when I see men who are fathers who let their kids be the boss, don’t assert authority, or are too scared to discipline their children. Who’s the adult in this relationship? YOU are. Children don’t know what’s good for them, but you should. I’m not saying that a father needs to be strict, mean, or have a short temper; but he needs to stand his ground and be the parent.

My dad didn’t let us walk all over him, and that made it easier for me to depend on him. I never had to have the insecurity of not knowing if I could count on my dad. Sometimes he’d be a bit too hard on us, but I know that was only because he loves us so much. He wanted us to be the best people we could be. Fathers are so important for the health of their children, and the health of society.

"If I make a good income I'm a good man." FALSE

"If I make a good father I'm a good man." Absolutely TRUE.

Please feel free to share some things you love about your own father, or what makes a good father to you.

Listen Here!

Do you ever have conversations with people that just kind of stink? Maybe they didn’t seem interested in what you had to say. Maybe it felt like they were trying to impress you without trying to understand you. Maybe they couldn’t stop talking about themselves, or they keep interrupting your thoughts. Maybe YOU are that person?

For effective communicating, effective listening is ESSENTIAL. When it comes to marriage, it is imperative to communicate so clearly, not just to be understood, but also so there can’t be any misunderstanding.

I’m first going to address the types of bad listeners as outlined in chapter nine of Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Robert H. and Jeanette C. Lauer.

The Faker: the faker pretends to listen, and they seem like they are listening, but they are not. Their only goal is to seem like they’re listening. These kinds of “listeners” aren’t interested in what other people have to say, or how they feel. They seem like they’re listening because they are nodding their heads or smiling, but they’re completely in their own heads, and wouldn’t be able to repeat back what you said to them.

The Dependent Listener: the whole time you’re trying to communicate with them, their main concern is pleasing and making a good impression on you. They can’t respond that well and only try to agree with you because they want to stay in your good graces. An example of that might be an employee that is only trying to please their boss, so they don’t think for themselves and agree excessively with their boss, so they can stay in their boss’ good graces.

The Interrupter: the interrupter might be my least favorite, but I know I interrupt a lot, so I’m a hypocrite. Anyway, the interrupter always interrupts because they may feel like they might lose their train of thought. They may care more about their own thoughts and feelings, which is pretty selfish of someone who is supposed to be listening. Here’s an example of an interrupter from the book:

Wife: I had a really rough day today. I thought my boss was going to…

Husband: I bet your day wasn’t any worse than mine. I couldn’t believe the way my clerks were fouling up today. I think I’m going to have to bring them in one by one for some additional training.

Wife: Yeah, those people can drive you up a wall at times. Well, my boss just about went through the ceiling…

Husband: You’ve got to stop letting him get to you. Just tell him you’ll quit if he keeps on.

Wife: I can understand why he got upset. I didn’t have the report ready. But he doesn’t realize that…

Husband: He gets upset at anything. I don’t know how you stand working for him.

The wife in the example is trying to express herself, but her husband keeps interrupting her train of thought by trying to fix her problems and expressing his frustrations. Not cool, husband, not cool. (I’d also like to not that the people could be reversed as well. Its not just a male thing to interrupt; it’s an everybody thing).

The Self-Conscious listener: they only listen to impress the other person. They aren’t listening to understand and comfort. They want to seem intelligent or helpful and will just be focused on responding with something that’s intelligent.

The Intellectual listener: they tend to only listen to words and their specific meanings, and not paying attention to non-verbal cues. This can lead to challenging others’ opinions, not trying to understand and consider the other person.

These bad listening practices lead to a feeling of bad communication between people, and they really are.

Here are some tips to be a good communicator:

1. Take initiative in listening. Its not a passive thing that can happen without thought. Concentrate on understanding the person, not just hearing their words.

2. Resist distractions. If someone is talking to you, GET OFF YOUR PHONE. I hate it when I’m trying to tell a story, or more personally, when I’m expressing my feelings and thoughts, and the person I’m talking to is on their phone. So tacky. If you’re in an environment that is hard to listen to a person, try to take the conversation elsewhere.

3. Control emotions and responses. Don’t let how you feel in the moment dictate how you listen. Save those thoughts for when it’s appropriate to share.

4. Ask questions and restate what the person is saying. It’ll help you pay attention and understand them.

5. Summarize what your friend is saying (in your head), so you don’t think too much and get distracted.

6. PRACTICE!! It takes time to learn how to listen well, but take the time to learn to do it.

Thanks for reading! Please feel free to comment on how you try to be a good listener, or how others have been a good listener to you!

Building Zion

In class we talked about how Zion is not only a physical place, but also something you can have within yourself.

Religious observance in the home is a major aspect in building Zion. The church’s focus on home-centered and church supported gospel learning has resulted in the Come Follow Me program. We should be praying and learning with our family every day. We should also teach our children how to pray with a sincere effort, as Enos did in Enos 1:4: “And my soul hungered: and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for my own soul.” As we do this, we will strengthen the testimonies of our family members and create Zion.

There should also be more love and kindness shown within the home and between family members. Criticism needs to be decreased so that the spirit can dwell within the home. When everyone feels safe and loved, the family grows together in unity. “…Their hearts knit together in unity and love one towards another.” (Mosiah 18:21).

Another important thing to create Zion in the home is to have family councils. Each member should have a say, and a moment to express how they feel about the topic being discussed. Even the children. Children need to be included in decision making and councils held by the family. Family council should also take place on a regular basis.

Husbands and wives are equal partners and they need to make decisions TOGETHER. While counseling together and making decisions, go to the temple and find out what God wants you to do. The temple needs to be a focus in life. Have pictures of the temple in the home. Spend time as a family to do baptisms for the dead.

I know building Zion in the home is so important to build Zion in the world. It’s important to grow closer to Christ, so Zion in your own heart can grow as well.

A Resilient Family

All families go through hard times and crises, but sometimes these hard times can cause strain and even break family relationships. Family who are resilient can get through tough times together and come out with stronger relationships full of love and trust. But what makes a resilient family?

A resilient family:

-         - Has accord/relationships that foster problem-solving and conflict well

a resilient family learns how to deal with problems together. Maybe teenagers who have busy schedules with extracurricular activities learn how to share the car and make sure everybody can get to where they need to go.

-         - Celebrations: birthdays, holidays, etc.

Families who make sure to take time to celebrate together will grow closer. Taking turns celebrating individuals by celebrating birthdays will help foster a feeling of love and trust toward each other. Celebrating holidays can lead to traditions, which are also important in making a resilient family.

-         - Communicates beliefs and emotions

Even though a family spends so much time together and affects each other’s beliefs, everyone has their own opinions. A resilient family has fostered enough trust and love for every member to feel open about sharing their beliefs without fearing being disowned by family members.

-         - Hardiness can go through things and do things successfully

This one was hard for me to define, but the first thing I thought of was completing a project like doing a deep clean of the house. Everyone has a responsibility and is supposed to complete it a timely manner. Other family members can help with the task, and when it’s all done, the family will feel accomplished together.

-         - Good financial management

I can’t stress this enough. Most people are so stressed out about money and finances, but if they learned how to confidently manage their money, it would cause less of a burden. Also, many crises include money strains. Make sure you have an emergency fund and a separate savings fund. Don’t let money run your life!

-         - Physical and emotional health

If your mind and body is healthy and happy, you will feel healthy. Families who can be emotionally available will be able to talk about how they feel within crises, and everyone can work together to help each other feel secure.

-         - Shared leisure activities

Every family needs a healthy amount of competition, and that can be found within leisure activities. Leisure activities also bond the family together as they have experiences together.

-         - Accept personality and behaviors of other family members

Let’s be real, some family members can seem kooky, but it is imperative that everyone feels like they can be themselves around their family. Being accepting of your family members gives everyone one less thing to worry about.

-        -  Social support network of friends and relatives

Family and friends can be a good support in times of crises, but you shouldn’t let them step over boundaries. They have their time in place, but when crap happens, your immediate family is what matters the most.

-         - Sharing routines like chores and family meals

I am a HUGE advocate for family meals. They are so important in making a family more unified. It’s during family dinner when we laugh and talk and share feelings. We learn more about each other and how we interact.

-         - Traditions that are carried from one generation to the next.

All in all, a resilient family is built from love, respect, and trust. Building these attributes I have listed above can be the glue that holds them together during hard times and crises. I encourage you to incorporate ways to help your family become more resilient.